Communication Skills

Effective Communication Skills

Effective communication is an important part of building strong, healthy relationships. Whether it is something small like gaining rapport with a project partner to figuring out what to say during an argument with a significant other, effective communication has a part to play in how a situation turns out. Effective communication also helps you to advocate for your own needs without disregarding the needs of the person you are speaking with. However, no one comes by these skills naturally. They take practice and a willingness to learn from our mistakes.

Types of Communication Skills

Nonverbal Communication: Although this isn't something you may think of on a daily basis, nonverbal cues account for 70% of our communication between the people we interact with. It can communicate to individuals how we feel about something or someone, our knowledge on a particular topic, and if we are being upfront with them or if we are hiding something.

Unfortunately, many times, whether we know it or not, some of our nonverbal communication patterns can lead to misinterpretation. For example, although your reason for crossing your arms and avoiding eye contact may be due to nerves or comfort, this can be interpreted by someone else as "Hey, maybe this person isn't interested in talking to me." Many times we don't intend to give off these kind of signals but do so without knowing it. Some misleading nonverbals individuals can give off include the following:

Having trouble maintaining eye contact
Slouching
Having your head down
Crossing your arms
Speaking too quickly
Speaking too softly

Becoming aware of your nonverbals can sometimes be the hardest part but once you are aware of them changes can be simpler to make. There are many nonverbals you can practice that show the person you are interacting with that you are open and interested in what they have to say. Some of these can include but are not limited to:

Keeping your head up
Making an appropriate amount of eye contact
Keeping your arms and legs uncrossed and open
Speaking confidently and at a volume where you can be heard.
Smiling warmly

Verbal Communication: Although verbal communication makes up only 30% of our communication with others, it can be just as important and probably even scarier to think about at times. Conversations are like playing darts. They can be hit or miss depending on both individuals' comfort and skill level. Of course no matter what your skills are with conversation, there will always be times where there are long pauses or you aren't sure what to say or even when you are both a bit uncomfortable. However, learning a few tools to have more effective conversations can make these instances few and far between. Some tips to having more effective conversations are as follows:

Start light. You don't have to share anything personal right away with someone you just met. Introduce yourself, pay the person a genuine compliment on something they said in class or on how they did on a test, talk about the class you just stepped out of and your thoughts relating to the lecture
Don't try to force a joke or say something you don't mean. Be yourself and be honest.
Listen and paraphrase back to them what they said so they know you are listening.
Ask open ended questions such as, "How was your weekend? What were your thoughts on that movie? How did you get your job?" Make sure not to ask questions that are too personal right from the start.
With individuals you've been talking to for a while, or friends you've known for a while, you can also start revealing some more personal information or move on to topics like relationships, political or spiritual beliefs, hopes and dreams, etc.

Remember communication is a two way street. It takes time and effort on both sides to be able to get to know a person and build a lasting relationship with them whether it be just a work relationship or a marriage. Disagreements will occasionally happen and knowing how to effectively navigate these disagreements can help tremendously in the long run. Some helpful information that can make disagreement discussions easier are listed below.

Tips for Navigating Disagreements

Disagreements are a natural part of life. As much as we hate to admit it, no matter how much we may like someone or get along with them, there will always be something we disagree about. However, knowing how to handle these disagreements when they show up can be the difference between alienating and damaging the relationship we have with this person or growing closer and learning from the experience.

"I" Statements: During arguments, or any type of conversation that is particularly sensitive, sometimes it can be very easy to blame the other person for what is happening. For example, statements such as "You can't just leave the dishes laying in the sink. That's really rude," can easily cause the other person to become defense and cause the conversation to stray from what it was originally intended to focus on. I statements not only help keep the conversation on track and are more likely to prevent the other person from getting defensive, but they also allow us to take responsibility for our own thoughts and emotions. Here are some examples showing the differences between blaming statements and I statements.

Blaming Statement: "Why don't you ever call me back? Do you not care how about how that makes me feel or something?"
I Statement: "I feel concerned when you don't return my phone calls. It makes me wonder if something has happened to you."
Blaming Statement: How can you not remember to do the dishes after I've told you repeatedly to do them. What is wrong with you?
I Statement: I feel irritated when you don't do the dishes. It makes me feel like you weren't listening to me.

It is important to practice these statements, not just when you are having a disagreement, but in everyday life. That way when a disagreement does pop up, you are better equipped to handle the situation because you have already had practice with I statements.

Reflective Listening: Many times in conversations where we have differing viewpoints, we are listening to respond instead of understand. One of the key concepts of successfully communicating during a disagreement is to understand where a person is coming from when they make a certain statement. This is done by thinking about and interpreting what they said so that you understand why they made the statement they did. Once you understand, it is then a matter of repeating to them that you do through saying back to them, in your own words, what you heard and gathered from what they said. Some examples of reflective listening include the following.

Someone Says: "School has been driving me crazy this week. I have all these assignments due in the next couple weeks and barely feel like I made a dent in them."
Reflection: "You are feeling overwhelmed with all the school work you have to do in such a limited time."
Someone Says: "It really irritates me when you show up late to our plans all the time. I feel like I'm not important to you."
Reflection: "You are bothered by the fact that I don't always show up when I say I will. It makes you feel like I am not taking your feelings into account when making my decision."

Making sure the person you are communicating with understands that you get where they are coming from can be key to resolving the issue being discussed, even if it just ends with the phrase "We agree to disagree." This newfound understanding can help you navigate future conversations. As with I Statements, it is important to remember to practice reflecting in everyday life. After all, if you don't have practice with them it can be harder to use them in situations that are emotionally taxing.

References

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E. (2018, April 09). Effective Communication - Improving your Social Skills. Retrieved from https://www.anxietycanada.com/articles/effective-communication-improving-your-social-skills/

Fair Fighting Rules (Worksheet). (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/fair-fighting-rules/communication/none

How to Listen Better: These 10 Tips will Help Open Your Mind. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://my.happify.com/hd/how-to-listen-better/

M. (2018, April 09). Assertiveness. Retrieved from https://www.anxietybc.com/assertiveness

Relationship Conflict Resolution (Worksheet). (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/relationship-conflict-resolution/communication/none